Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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