so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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