I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
