Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
