im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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