go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
