Ketchup is God's man juice
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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