My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
