i wish my penis had a tongue
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
