Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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