I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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