I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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