oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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