Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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