stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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