I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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