my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
