you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
