I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
