Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You have to summon your inner elephant
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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