I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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