Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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