At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
