It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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