There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
