It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
