Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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