We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
