i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
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I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
we're so committed to being not committed
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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