dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
