no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
