Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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