You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
