It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
