The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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