You just made me feel so damn special
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
we should paint friendship bongs
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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