I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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