if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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