i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
