I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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