ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
