Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
