woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
