Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
