You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
