i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
