I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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