i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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