My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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