Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I don't deserve a penis
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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