So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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