Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
