my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
