but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
