Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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