Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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