It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
