you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
