did you get engaged???
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
