I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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